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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22906000">solitude is lonely</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/megabees/pseuds/megabees'>megabees</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Chroma Conclave Arc, Loneliness, Post Hag</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 13:54:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,433</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22906000</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/megabees/pseuds/megabees</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"being alone never felt right. sometimes it felt good, but it never felt right." </p><p>Pike and Beau have a lot more in common than they think. For one thing, an overwhelming sense of loneliness.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett, Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Scanlan Shorthalt/Pike Trickfoot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>47</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>solitude is lonely</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>They are leaving, off to fight another beast. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She stays behind, she watches and heals and takes care of the homestead. The hearth can never go out when Pike Trickfoot is around. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But no one has ever asked Pike if this is what she wants. They think that this life of service is all that she has wanted. The truth of the matter, however, is that Pike serves because she loves Sarenrae, and she is indebted to her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pike would do anything for Sarenrae. Even, especially, leaving behind all that she is happy for. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It is so hard to know that you are expected to be a moral person, the alignment of a group, the one who is calm and gracious and always has their shit together. Calmness is just a front, just a handhold in the chaos. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Frankly, Pike is scared constantly and she is so very angry. She is angry with Sarenrae for requiring her to serve and to not let her be with her friends, and she is angry with her friends for never reaching out. How fucking hard can it be to ask someone if they’re okay with never being a part of the group? How hard can it be to invite her to come to a place? She has watched someone she loved fall in love with one of her best friends, all because she wasn’t there, she has had to live with knowing that she could not be with Grog during fights. It is only reasonable to be angry. Every time she pops up, they are thankful for her, but do they love her for anything other than her healing? Scanlan is loved for his laughter, Vex for her charm, Grog for his heart, Percy for his wit, Vax for his passion, Keyleth for her joy. What is Pike loved for that does not affect others?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sarenrae tries. She is a goddess of redemption and forgiveness, after all. She can forgive Pike for her anger and her frustration, and she gives her opportunities to be with her friends many times. Pike is thankful, for the isolation would have killed her. Despite this, though, Pike knows that there is a difference between the love of a cleric and her god and the love of a found family. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It has only gotten worse since the dragons attacked, destroying what was believed to be a safe place, ruining the places where Pike considered home. Wilhand makes it through, and Pike is relieved, but her childhood home is destroyed. Greyskull Keep is decimated by Vorugal, Uriel is dead and everyone goes to Whitestone, Percy’s home, where they have just reclaimed it from vampires. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>They</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Not Pike. Pike sees Whitestone for the first time in the flesh after everything with the Briarwoods has gone down, and then she is expected to help keep it safe. It is her duty, so she does it. But they leave again, off on another adventure. Without Pike.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Vex dies, and it is not Pike who brings her back, it is Kashaw. He’s a cleric who doesn’t even serve a god, and he is able to save her friend and she is not because she is not there. How is one supposed to cope with that? Vax trades his life away for his sister’s, and Pike is not even there to </span>
  <em>
    <span>stop </span>
  </em>
  <span>him, to try to save Vex on her own. Her family, saved by this faux cleric who doesn’t even seem to </span>
  <em>
    <span>like </span>
  </em>
  <span>them, just comes along with Zhara! If healing and serving is all Pike is good for, why wasn’t she there to help heal and save her family then?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pike comes back and she threatens to fight a goddess, trying so hard to prove that she is worth the time and energy of Vox Machina. Hoping that maybe someday Sarenrae will agree that she is more needed there than in the temple or in the clinic, letting her fight and be free. They kill a black dragon and then Pike is needed again, called again only when they need her to resurrect Percy. If she had been there, maybe he wouldn’t have gone down. Two fights now, she has not been there to save a friend. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There is no one who gets her like Scanlan does. Support gnomes, both struggling with the feeling of being wanted, with feeling valued and alone. He makes her laugh, but he is struggling more than she has ever seen him struggle. He is so capable, how can he be falling apart in front of her very eyes? Does he worry about being loved? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pike never reaches out to ask him how she can help, and he leaves in a storm of yelling and anger, and she is helpless to stop him. She is paralyzed. How can he willingly go off on his own to be alone? Doesn’t he know how good he has it? He is never alone, he never has to worry about not being able to save his friends. She is oh so angry, but more than anything, she feels alone. He yells and he leaves and some new </span>
  <em>
    <span>fucking</span>
  </em>
  <span> blonde guy replaces him easily and everyone leaves to help Keyleth complete her Aramente. Vax dies and Pike resurrects him, again only needed to help save others.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pike is left alone again. No place that’s truly home, no ability to save her family when they need her most, trapped amongst her duties, never allowed to put down roots.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Someone who is made to support others should not be left alone. </span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>For Beau, being alone is a blessing and a curse. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She is never alone now, Jester in the room with her at all times, Caleb in the library with her, Fjord working out with her constantly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When you grow up alone, you get used to others leaving, never creating those emotional connections with people who force you to be sad when they leave. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Why would Beau miss someone like her father when he obviously didn’t care for her at all? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In fact, she’s not very good at caring about others at all. If they don’t show her love and support, why should she care about them? No one tries, and if they do, they don’t do it right. With each moment where someone disappoints her by trying to car, she subconsciously puts another brick up in her emotional walls. It is </span>
  <span>Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill, hurting only herself and allowing no one in. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But these people, they take those bricks and they constantly destroy them. Beau has never been cared for before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jester is kind, funny, and oh so passionate about all that she does. She makes Beau laugh and want to please her. How can Beau not let her walls down for that?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Caleb is her equal, her sibling. They understand each other because they are each other, brash and brusque and traumatized beyond belief. A kindred spirit, Beau is willing to let him in if he will let her in too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nott is like a little sister, Cad an older brother. They care for her, so she cares for them back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fjord is her captain above all. Any port in a storm, they always say, and Fjord is the easiest port to dock at. He wants her to improve, wants her to get better, and she has, with his help. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yasha is quiet, quickly summing up what Beau thinks much of the time. She is quick with a blade and burdened with loss and there are moments where Beau sits with her and the silence between them speaks more than any words could even try. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>These people are her home, and she has grown more than she ever knew possible with them. She is an Expositor now, she has spoken to kings and queens and risked her life constantly to keep this </span>
  <em>
    <span>family</span>
  </em>
  <span> together. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s not worth it though. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’ll all end eventually, with an endpoint that gets closer at every moment. She’s happy now, but does that mean that she’ll never be happy after this? This family is nice now, but what happens in a year, or two, or ten, when everyone has moved on? How do you feel comfortable when there is no guarantee of this happiness and success lasting?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s easier this way. It’s easier to give it all up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Beau is used to being lonely, she can take it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So she offers it all up. This family, her position, her newfound little brother. A life in exile. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s easier to leave than to be left behind. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So I might be projecting college graduation a bit onto these characters, but who's to say that's a problem? </p><p>Pike is one of the only characters recently that I've actually really connected with, and Beau hit me recently with one of her quotes about happiness and it all being over. This was the result.</p><p>find me on tumblr @peri-dolt</p></blockquote></div></div>
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